Win the lottery, kick a deputy: Living the American Dream in Florida
Money makes us crazy, especially in the Sunshine State.
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There’s an old proverb — maybe I read it in a comic book — that runs along these lines: If you want to ruin someone’s life, give them their heart’s desire.
And what, in America, is our heart’s desire? Money, baby, gobs and zeroes of money. If you’re in a lottery state — and at this point, aren’t we all? — you’ve driven past those Powerball or Mega Millions or Hot Cash Injection billboards with their massive, incomprehensible numbers — $167 million, $450 million, $823 million — and you’ve wondered to yourself, Just what would I do with that much money?
Maybe you’d pay off your house and all the houses of your family. Maybe you’d buy enough Brunswick stew to fill the swimming pool behind that house. Maybe you’d hire Guns n’ Roses to play your housewarming party, and the 2024 Kansas City Chiefs to help unload the moving trucks. Maybe you’d build an exact replica of Amen Corner in your backyard. Maybe you’d hire Shohei Ohtani to play for your softball team. Maybe you’d hire Stephen King to write your yearly Christmas letter. Maybe you’d buy a kaiju-sized 80-foot-tall Gummi Bear. Maybe these are all what I would do, and maybe you would too.
And then, if you’re at the beach and you’re all hopped up on lottery delirium, well, maybe you’d go and kick a deputy right in the face.
Our story of the week takes place in Florida, because of course it does. A gentleman by the name of James Farthing had the good fortune to win himself the $167 million Powerball lottery in Kentucky. Great news, right? Even better: He split the winnings with his mother! What a good son!
Alas, things (allegedly) went a little south from there, literally and metaphorically. Farthing and his girlfriend — the spectacularly-named Jacqueline Fightmaster — were hanging at a St. Petersburg beachside hotel when they got into a fight with another patron. Now, I don’t know what in the world you would have to fight about after you’d won $167 million, unless maybe Farthing ran into one of those $300 million lottery winners and was getting mocked. Lottery winners can be so catty once you get into the nine digits.
Anyway, matters escalated, as they often do in Florida, and Farthing (allegedly) resisted arrest, allegedly kicking a Pinellas County deputy in his alleged cheek. Farthing attempted to run but didn’t get far, maybe because he was loaded down with his fat stacks of cash. Fightmaster was also arrested while — and this is just perfect — “yelling, screaming and making incoherent statements,” which, honestly, I’d be doing pretty much nonstop if someone close to me won $167 million.
This isn’t the first time that a lottery winner has run afoul of the law after cashing in big; more money does indeed cause more problems. Consider, for instance, the story of the West Virginia man who won $315 million in 2002 and proceeded to end up interacting with the legal system from multiple angles. A news story about his arrest for DUI includes this novel-worthy sentence: “Last year, a strip club manager and his girlfriend were charged with drugging [the winner] and stealing a briefcase containing more than $500,000 in cash and cashier's checks.”
It’s easy to laugh at the travails of chaotic newly-minted millionaires, but it’s also more than a little sad, too, because it’s proof that money doesn’t solve your underlying problems. Anybody who’s ever had one too many beers, one too many slices of pizza or one too many bites of cheesecake — in other words, all of us — understands the principle at work here: Moderation is nice in theory, but can be damn near impossible in practice. Add in the brain-melting climate of Florida, and, well, an arrest for disorderly conduct is really the best-case scenario.
On the plus side for their social lives, Mr. Farthing and Ms. Fightmaster are about to have more friends than ever before. Good luck to them both. When everybody knows you’ve got money, well … good luck holding onto it.
Here, then, is my generous offer: if you do happen to win the lottery, hit me up. We’ll figure out what to do with your millions together, and I promise I won’t tell anyone. I’ll just take a small cut … and maybe that Brunswick stew pool, too.
So what would you do if you won the lottery? Come on, dream big. Just don’t confess to any crimes.
Song of the Week: “Mountain Home,” Jesse Daniel
If you’ve never heard Jesse Daniel before, you’re in for a treat. He’s heir to the line of ‘60s-’70s southern California singer-songwriters, but he’s also got a foot in Nashville, where he recorded his latest album — Son of the San Lorenzo, out June 6 — live to tape, just like Skynyrd and the Byrds used to do. “Mountain Home” is a bright, clear tune whose warm instrumentation belies the singer’s yearning for days gone by. Listen to this one beside a campfire somewhere.
Check out “Mountain Home” and all the other songs we’ve highlighted here at the official Flashlight & A Biscuit Spotify playlist, good for all your summertime listening needs:
Stunt Food of the Week: The Home Run Stack
The latest in our Stunt Food archives comes to us from Atlanta’s Truist Park. Behold the Home Run Stack, an absolute pile of meat and such. Specifically: Two beef patties, massive chunks of Hungarian candied bacon — whatever the hell that is — and acres of smoked brisket. Top that with pickled onion cole slaw, Carolina golden barbecue sauce AND Coca-Cola barbecue sauce, plus a couple massive onion rings. And in case that’s not enough, it comes with curly fries, too. Power through this and you won’t much care about the underachieving Braves, you’ll be working on your overextended digestive system. Oh, but it’ll be a delicious fight. And so we ask:
Thanks for hanging this week, my friends! I’m in Charlotte covering the PGA Championship; if you’ve got food/beer recs, hit me up. Coming next week: Some more fine literature. Catch you then…
—Jay
Land Cat, Georgia
Also: Congrats to Justin Gibson, who won last week’s contest for a free copy of Katie Bo Lillis’ outstanding new book “Death of a Racehorse.” Stay tuned for future book giveaways … perhaps as soon as next week!
This is issue #162 of Flashlight & A Biscuit. Check out all the past issues right here. Feel free to email me with your thoughts, tips and advice. If you’re new around here, jump right to our most-read stories, or check out some of our recent hits:
Home Turn, our new show for NASCAR Studios, is right here for you to watch:
Dispatch from Augusta: Azaleas, green jackets, pimento cheese n’ such
The Pollening is upon us, abandon all hope
Let’s create an open-road playlist
Our first documentary, on the famous Rama Jama’s diner in Tuscaloosa, Alabama
What does “Flashlight & A Biscuit” mean, anyway?
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My only prayer the last 6-8 years—“God let me win a 1 billion dollar Powerball so I can see how much it ruins people”.
I’d be fine.
I would need to hire a Mike Ehrmantraut type head of security to keep me out of prison after unleashing Count of Monte Cristo level of vengeance on 9 people who contributed to my current plight.
Long as I had that, no worries.