State Fair of Texas 2024: Let's power-rank the foods!
State Fair of Texas 2024: Let's power-rank the foods!
Our annual ode to gastrointestinal delight and distress. Enjoy.
Welcome to Flashlight & A Biscuit, my Southern culture/sports/music/food offshoot of my work at Yahoo Sports. Thanks for reading, and if you’re new around here, why not subscribe? It’s free and all.
What is it about fair food that makes us want to abandon all our diets, principles, morals and religious beliefs? Why do we regard food someone makes in the back of a truck and passes through a window with a holy reverence … and why the hell do we pay twenty bucks for the privilege? I dunno, but pretty much anything you can imagine holding in your hand — a brick, an iPhone, a human foot — you can bet that someone has attempted to wrap it in bacon, deep-fry it and dust it with powdered sugar. And damn, would it be delicious. Especially the foot.
The State Fair of Texas is the epicenter of fair-food construction, the demonic laboratory where America’s mad food scientists create unholy — but still tasty — creations designed to ruin your stomach for weeks on end. Yes, the State Fair’s food scene has become self-aware, but that’s what happens when you mix foodstuffs God never meant to go together.
So, just like we did in 2021, 2022 and 2023, let’s dive into the glorious magnificence that is the State Fair of Texas food banquet. Steel your hearts, prepare your colons, and let us descend …
An astounding 40 new foods made their debut at this year’s State Fair, and you know there’s some loon out there who’s tried every one of them. I would like to meet that person, assuming they have not already exploded or combusted. Read about all 40 right here, if you dare.
I’ll continue with my patented highly scientific rating system, which runs from “Daaaamn, that looks good” to “Aw hell, I just bit my phone screen.” Your rankings almost surely will differ, and you’ll have the opportunity to document them below. For now, let’s begin.
WTF Award: Hot Cheetos Korean Corn Dog: Korean corn dogs have the same relationship to frozen corn dogs your mom would defrost in the microwave as Korean barbecue has to cafeteria burgers … which is to say, once you’ve had a Korean dog — which includes mozzarella cheese and Panko bread crumbs — you’ll never go back to the old style. Adding Hot Cheetos just seems like tempting fate, but hell, if you’re already at the fair, you know you’re risking your soul with every purchase.
Would Still Eat: Churro Crumble Cheesecake, Cheeseception, Pulled Pork Arancini. Look, you’re never going to go wrong with cheesecake, grilled cheese or pork rolls. This is a tough competition, though, so we had to draw the line somewhere. We will still accept samples of any of the lower 30 selections, however.
And now, the top 10:
10: Cookie Butter Nachos: I don’t know what mad genius invented Cookie Butter, but they surely shortened the lifespan of the human race by a couple generations. Our #10 entry involves tortilla chips, scoops of cookie butter cheesecake (come the hell on), and drizzles of other delightful goodness. It’s magic. This is an example of the Fair Food Genius at work — take a standard food (nachos), pivot it 180 degrees (into sweet rather than savory), and boom, must-eat.
Standing On Business: I have to admit, I don’t quite know what “standing on business” means, and I suspect all the social media managers who slap it over pics of Victor Wembanyama slam-dunking over some hapless chud don’t know either, but no one wants to admit it. In State Fair parlance, however, “Standing On Business” is a combination sundae/sweet potato pie/french fry concoction, all surrounding and topping a magnificent dark chocolate cookie. Is the cookie then the “business” that the sundae is “standing on”? Whatever. Let the too-online Gen Z goofs unpack that one. I’m eating here.
Hammy Pimento Meltdown: Again, something obvious raised to the level of art. A grilled cheese sandwich, only with Black Forest Ham tucked inside, and instead of Kraft singles, the cheese is pimento. I’m a big fan of pimento cheese, and so you had me at … well, pimento.
Island RUM-ble Bowl: Mac and cheese topped with jerk chicken seasoned in a pineapple rum jerk marinade, served with salsa and crema. It’s entirely possible this one will rip a hole in your gut like the heat vision of Homelander, but wow, what a sumptuous way to go.
Holy Cheezus: How many kinds of cheese do you want on your pizza? One? Get out. Two? Run along, laddie. Three? Please. Four? Beat it, amateur. How about seven different kinds of cheese, including Pecorino Romano, mozzarella, sharp provolone, asiago, and Parmesan–Reggiano, topped with whipped ricotta and garlic-infused olive oil. I’d say you’ll say “Mamma mia,” but you’re probably not going to be able to form intelligible words after downing this bad boy.
Tajin Twist Sundae: Friend, if you haven’t had a Michelada with some Tajin chili-lime powder ringing the rim of the glass, well, you haven’t lived. And once you live, try this sundae, which throws spicy Tajin together with sweet ice cream. No idea how you’ll feel tomorrow, but that’s a problem for Tomorrow You.
Fat Bacon Pickle Fries: Aw yeah, now we’re really getting into the actively destructive portion of the menu. Dig this: battered and fried dill pickles, ladled with spicy pepper ranch and topped with thick-cut maple bacon and jalapeños. This is the same mixture that’s used to bring down abandoned hotels in Las Vegas.
Fernie’s GOAT Funnel Cake: The State Fair of Texas chefs are artists, taking from the past to remix for the future. A funnel cake is standard fair fare; these lunatics have topped it with Blue Bell ice cream, Dr Pepper syrup and pralines. I am a huge fan of food you are required to eat with your face, and this fits that bill.
Deep Fried Tablitas: Mexican short ribs, deep-fried and served with dipping sauce. Dipping sauce! I think I’m going to name my next dog “Dipping Sauce,” because everyone loves dipping sauce … especially when you have fried short ribs to dip into it.
Dickel’s Triple Meat Big Back Snack: Ohhhh lordy. Points right off the bat for having the longest, most delicious name in the entire roster. Plus, it’s got seven (7) (VII) flavor profiles, apparently. Look, I’m just going to quote their description in its entirety:
The base consists of abuela’s cherished elote street corn recipe, including a fusion of roasted sweet corn, lime, butter, cumin, and chili powder. Following suit is a portion of succulent smoked chopped beef brisket that paves the way for a delightful serving of gourmet smoked gouda mac and cheese. A buttermilk biscuit crowned with tender cubes of Hogzilla Pork Belly Burnt Ends, slow-smoked to perfection and coated in a house-made sauce, completes this tower of flavors. Still hungry? A savory, loaded nacho beef brisket sausage link is halved and adorns the cup’s interior, accompanied by heavenly deep–fried crinkle-cut maple waffle-flavored potato slices on top. Bon Appétit!
OK, look, any time you can combine mac and cheese, a buttermilk biscuit, sausage, waffle fries and something called Hogzilla Pork Belly Burnt Ends, you have on your hands something that might actually be foretold in Revelations. If I were condemned to die, I’d want this as my last meal. And for several meals before that, too.
God, I love the fair.
Your turn. Make your case for your favorite fair food below. Bonus points if you ship me a sample:
Song of the Week: “Darkest Hour” (Helene Edit), Eric Church
Last week, we ran through a number of ways to help the victims of Hurricanes Helene and Milton. Here’s another: “Darkest Hour,” a new tune by North Carolina-based Eric Church. Chief has given the publishing rights to this song to various Carolina charities, which could end up being a nice little pile of cash if this song breaks big. Give it a listen, here and as part of all my recommendations at the Flashlight & A Biscuit Spotify playlist:
Whew. I think that’s quite enough for this week. Thanks for hanging, and we’ll see you right back here very soon. Stay safe, and remember … coat your stomach before endeavoring to challenge
—Jay
Land Cat, Georgia
This is issue #124 of Flashlight & A Biscuit. Check out all the past issues right here. Feel free to email me with your thoughts, tips and advice. If you’re new around here, jump right to our most-read stories, or check out some of our recent hits:
Our first documentary, on the famous Rama Jama’s diner in Tuscaloosa, Alabama:
What’s left after Hurricanes Helene and Milton scarred the South
Let’s all open a bar together and get rich
A story of good dogs and a great book
What does “Flashlight & A Biscuit” mean, anyway?
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Heading to a fair in Bama today, lets see what kinda twist they can put on a meat and three.. cheers
The best food at the Texas State Fair is the Funnel Cake Bacon Queso Cheeseburger. It won a prize when it was new back in 2017-ish and is the perfect mix of savory and sweet. It’s a must-have every year we go.