The 'You' in 'All I Want For Christmas Is You' tries to explain himself on Christmas morning

Careful what you ask for this holiday season, you just might get it.

You were VERY specific.

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Today: A special holiday version of F&AB! You know the song. You’ve heard it a thousand times this month alone. You’ve harmonized with Mariah, cooed the background “ooooooh bayyy-beh”s, tried to hit that last high note. But in all that time … you’ve only heard one side of the story.

Here’s what happened when the singer got exactly what she asked for.

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to hear from the “You” in “All I Want For Christmas Is You.”

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OK, look, in my defense —

Seriously, please, baby, just remember what you said, over and over again —

Really. There aren’t any presents hidden anywhere. Please don’t — why are you pulling books off the shelf? There’s no secret compartment back there! Aw man, this is going to take forever to clean up…

Hey, look on the bright side. You always tell me I don’t listen, but I listened this time, didn’t I? You were very specific! “All I want for Christmas is you.” And here I am! Right here! Surprise!

All right, fine. Yes, I probably could have gotten up from the couch. And the Doritos all over the place aren’t exactly festive. That was bad presentation, I grant you. And I probably should have worn something more than just a bow, that maybe wasn’t the best idea —

— wow, that was rude. OK.

Yes, I know what a metaphor is. But when you say all I want for Christmas — I mean, come on, you can’t get any more specific than that.

Sing the song? You want me to sing the first line? All right, stand back … “I don’t want a lot for Christmas …. there is just one thing I need …”

Hmm. Now that I hear it out loud, I do see that there’s room for interpretation there. Wants versus needs, and all that.

But wait! The very next line, you sing that you don’t care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree! What am I supposed to —

… yes, I am aware that a jewelry box will fit quite nicely in a stocking.

Look, I was just trying to apply some logic to the situation here. Don’t you remember the time the dog ate those earrings I wrapped and left under the tree? They cost me three months’ salary to buy, and another month to get surgically extracted. You don’t forget something like that. No presents means no potential for emergency room visits! That’s smart, right? Right … ?

Yes, I am very aware of the damage you can do to my, uh, bow with your bare hands. Please don’t describe it in any more detail.

Just hear my side of things, OK? You started saying this, like, minutes after Halloween was over. Don’t you remember? There were still high school kids roaming the streets with pillowcases full of candy when you busted out the song! I mean, you didn’t even give Thanksgiving a chance to —

… yes, I know there are no good Thanksgiving songs. There’s definitely an opening there. Maybe you could do “All I Want For Thanksgiving Is Graaaaavy….”

… right, I know, I’m not the idea person here. Sorry. SORRY. It’s just that, I mean, your song is on All. The. Time. Did you know that people even play that song at the pool in the summer for some cheap irony?¹ It’s true.

I just figured that the message was pretty clear when you didn’t write a letter to Santa, and you didn’t stay up to listen for the reindeer, and … wait. Do you hear that?

It sounds like …

… it sounds like children laughing.

But we’re alone in the house, baby. We’re alone in the house!

What the hell is going on here? Do we have a bunch of kids giggling in the walls on Christmas morning? That’s pretty damn creepy, baby! And wow, those lights on the tree are SO bright! And now I hear sleigh bells ringing! Sweetheart, this entire scenario has jumped the tracks …

Wait, no no no, please don’t scream, I’m sorry, please don’t hit that high note —

… aw, dammit. Well, Grandma didn’t need her crystal anymore anyway.

Look, honey, I was just trying to do exactly what you said, but I get that’s not necessarily what you meant. I realize that now. And here, among all these children who are still laughing — by the way, I think they’re in the attic now — and the mysterious jingling sleigh bells even though there’s no snow on the ground, and those lights that are so bright I can see the bones in my hand … right here I’m going to demonstrate my love to you.

I have an idea. I know exactly what I can do to prove to you just how important you are to me. Here it is, baby:

This Christmas, I give you my heart.

Wait … what? You’re just gonna give it away?

Fair enough. I probably should’ve seen that one coming.

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Hey, just be glad I didn’t go with my first idea for this week: “What Other Songs Would Sound Like If They Sang The Drum Part Like ‘Little Drummer Boy’’s ‘Pa Rum Pa Pum Pum.’”² That would’ve been so much worse. (Scroll to the bottom for proof.)

Have a wonderful holiday stretch run, friends, and we’ll see you back here next week. Peace!

—Jay
Land Cat, Georgia

Just for the hell of it: let the world know your favorite and least favorite holiday tunes. Let’s get through the season together.

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This is issue #111 of Flashlight & A Biscuit, and it’s one of those that’s either going to gain or lose me a bunch of subscribers. Check out all the past issues right here. Feel free to email me with your thoughts, tips and advice. If you’re new around here, jump right to our most-read stories, or check out some of our recent hits:

• Our first documentary, on the famous Rama Jama’s diner in Tuscaloosa, Alabama:

• How Krispy Kreme conquered France

• A requiem for one of the truly great chroniclers of Florida Man

• History hidden in plain sight in Williamsburg, Virginia

• Power-ranking the foods of the State Fair of Texas

• What does “Flashlight & A Biscuit” mean, anyway?

Keep in touch with me via email right here. And load up a to-go box before you leave:

• The F&AB Spotify playlist

• The F&AB bookstore

• The F&AB Books, Beer & Barbecue map

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[Top photo: "File:Mariah Carey - All I Want for Christmas Is You (2).jpg" by The United States Army Band is licensed under CC BY 2.0.]

1. It’s me. I do this.

2. “Brdttuh brdttuh brdttuh brdttuh”: “Hot For Teacher”
“Pfoom-dit, pa-do-do-dit”: “Walk This Way”
“BdududududududuhDUH”: “Born To Run”
“Dit-da doo dat dit, dit, dit”: “Sunday Bloody Sunday”
“BOOM BOOM PLAP! BOOM BOOM PLAP!”: Come on, you know that one