Y'all want some hockey?
Y'all want some hockey?
Atlanta might be getting a third bite at the hockey apple, but should it?
Welcome to Flashlight & A Biscuit, my Southern culture/sports/music/food offshoot of my work at Yahoo Sports. Thanks for reading, and if you’re new around here, why not subscribe? It’s free and all.
Look, I’m as fervent a defender of Atlanta as you’re going to find. Think Atlanta’s nothing but a bland collection of suburbs? Take a closer look at that strip mall, there’s usually a gem of an indie restaurant tucked into one corner. Think in-town is nothing but an ever-more-soulless stretch of flip-’em-fast condos? Find your way to one of the city’s parks — or, hell, dive bars — and leave the Chipotle/Jersey Mike’s zones far behind. Think Waffle House is overrated? Go straight to hell and ask the devil to recalibrate your taste buds. Think Atlanta traffic is zombie-apocalypse level? … OK, fine, you got me there.
Usually I’m happy to defend the city against whatever helicoptering opinions parachute in with off-target judgment. But I find I’m having a wee bit of trouble rallying civic pride over the latest question vexing the Atlanta sports world. Namely: Should this city get a third chance at a hockey team?
Two separate groups are vying to bring NHL hockey back to Atlanta after a decade-plus-long absence. Both are planning to post the as-yet-uncreated team in as-yet-unbuilt arenas well north of the city. Both saw what the Braves have done in nearby Cobb County — wrapped an entire entertainment/residential district around a stadium, and created a self-perpetuating revenue-generating behemoth — and want a piece of that sweet action. And both are fighting hard against the tide of hockey history that’s plowed over this city like a Zamboni driven by General Sherman.
Here’s that history. Atlanta has previously hosted two NHL hockey franchises: the Flames (interesting name, given the city’s history) from 1972 to 1980 and the Thrashers (seriously, the best nickname any ATL team in any sport ever had) from 1999 to 2011. Both teams cited low attendance as the reason for departing, but both teams — particularly the Thrashers — had unstable and vulnerable ownership groups at the wheel. Both departures left Atlanta’s hockey fans feeling used and abused.
The most pathetic event I’ve ever covered — and friends, I’ve covered some seriously cringeworthy spectacles — was a “Save the Thrashers” rally held in May 2011 even though the team had basically already started picking out drapes in Winnipeg. Only a few hundred fans showed up for the rally, held in the desolate parking lot outside what’s now State Farm Arena, beneath overpasses and alongside train tracks. It’s an area known as The Gulch, and it’s every bit as romantic as that name sounds.
The lowlight came when some suit decided to send out Thrash, the team’s mascot, with exactly zero fanfare, to ride a tricycle around and pose with fans. It was not unlike sending a mascot to a funeral, which sounds like a pretty funny idea until you see it actually happening, and then you wish you were anywhere but there.
In the immediate wake of that debacle, I wrote a scener/column headlined “It's Not Atlanta's Fault The NHL May Be Taking Out The Thrash” (pretty solid headline, to be honest). Allow me to quote the me from 2011:
Sports teams struggling with attendance issues love to play the "loyalty" card, working the emotional angle with all the subtlety of a Lifetime movie villain. If you loved us, you'd come see us, the line goes. If we leave, it's your fault.
It's a compelling pitch. After all, we connect with our teams on a level beyond simple commerce; you don't see many sane people touting the virtures of their favorite soft drink or sandwich or phone company. [2024 note: Clearly, 2011 Jay did not foresee the rise of TikTok sponsor-humping culture.]
But it's also a pitch that's cynical beyond measure. The fans are the easy scapegoats in the team-departure scenario, and Atlanta fans, with their less-than-sterling history of team support, make for the easiest marks of all. (Old joke: Guy calls the Braves stadium and asks what time the game starts. Operator says, "What time can you get here?")
Put it this way. Say there's a local pizza joint near you where surly waitresses serve warm beer and doughy slices, night after night, year after year. Oh, sure, every so often you'll get a decent pie, but by and large you can get better food out of a gas-station microwave. When this joint closes up shop and puts up signs saying, "Thanks for not showing up, jerks! It's your fault I'm gone!", are you going to feel sorry for the owners? Of course not. Those clowns should've made better pizza.
So now we have new clowns, promising a better circus. And I want to believe them, I really do. I know a whole lot of hockey fans in Atlanta. Matter of fact, I’m certain there are enough pro hockey fans in Atlanta to fill an arena, because they already do when the local minor-league team holds its annual “Thrashers Night.”
But filling an arena once a year is easy. Filling it 41 times a season is something else entirely, particularly if the team is out of the playoff hunt by New Year’s Day. Plus, not to get all Sim City on you here, but there’s only one real highway route to both of the planned arena locations, and zero mass transit … so we’re back to zombie-apocalypse gridlock again.
If there’s an unvarnished bright spot in all this, it’s that at least one of the governmental entities involved in all this is showing some foresight and common sense. The Forsyth County Commission approved public contributions toward its potential new arena if, and only if, an actual NHL team arrives in town and they stay for 10 years. (No idea how they’d get their money back if the team bails in Year 7, but that’s a 2035 problem.)
One of the teams wants to redevelop some fairgrounds, and one wants to redevelop an entire mall to build the arenas. (Arenae?) I have spent considerable time at that particular mall, and I can tell you firsthand that for all the sentimental attachment I have to that place — taking the kids to visit Santa, stuffing them with Auntie Anne’s pretzels, going on a desperation sprint to find Christmas presents on Dec. 24 — I would be more than happy to see it gone. Malls now are sad as hell, but that’s a whole separate column.
For everyone outside Atlanta, there’s only one real question: What are they going to name this team so we can dunk — or, in this case, one-time — on it? Twitter lives for this kind of stuff — well, this and the Nazis, of course.
The new owners, whoever they might be, really ought to come up with some kind of regionally appropriate and marketing-friendly team name like the the Atlanta Pecan Waffles, or the Atlanta OutKasts, or the Atlanta Axle-Shattering Steel Road Plates, but those are probably too minor-league-ballpark for the stately NHL. We’ll probably end up with some kind of nonsensical focus-grouped pablum like “the Atlanta Dragons” or whatever.
And hey, speaking of minor-league hockey: a new pro team is headed to Athens, Georgia. (Suddenly we’ve turned into the Georgia Hockey Newsletter. Ah, well.) Athens is a good hour and a half away from Atlanta, but Atlantans happily claim Athens — home of the University of Georgia — whenever they need to add a few more championships to the city’s total. That new team will play in the Federal Prospects Hockey League, a league which I must confess I never heard of until about eight seconds before I started typing it here.
Athens hockey fans will choose from one of four names: the Athenians, the Owls, the Rock Lobsters or the Classic City Panic. I vote Rock Lobsters — Athens is the home of the B-52s, after all1 — because the best name, the Ice Dawgs, is already taken by UGA’s hockey team.
Granted, all this could be a moot issue. The NHL hasn’t even decided whether to expand, and IF it expands, it hasn’t decided whether to expand to Atlanta. This is serious “So you’re telling me there’s a chance” energy so far, my friends.
Atlanta lost both of its previous teams in part because of attendance issues. (In larger part because of ownership issues, but if there had been hockey butts in hockey seats, the ownership issues would’ve been easier to manage.) There’s a ravenous appetite for sports in this city-slash-area — the Braves have no problem drawing fans, the Atlanta United soccer concern does well, and the Dawgs are an institution. But more to the point, there’s a ravenous appetite for winning sports. If the Falcons and Hawks ever get their acts together for more than a season at a time, demand will skyrocket.
Look, if someone wants to put a hockey team in Atlanta, that’s definitely their choice (and their money). Maybe this time it’ll work, given that Atlanta’s demographics are much different than the ‘70s and ‘90s. I can’t think of a city that’s gotten three shots at making a pro franchise work, but someone has to be the first, right?
The chances that an expansion hockey team will be competitive before the new-franchise smell wears off aren’t impossible — Vegas reached the Stanley Cup Final in its first season — but that’s one hell of a high bar to vault. And I’ve seen what happens to teams in Atlanta when they pile up more losses than wins; the sound system cranks louder to compensate for the echoes off empty seats.
If Atlanta does get an NHL team, sure, I’ll be on board. I’ll hit the games, I’ll try to remember exactly what “icing” is, I’ll buy the sweater. And I’ll hope like hell that sweater, despite all historical evidence to the contrary, doesn’t become a relic in 10 years like my Thrashers and Flames ones.
Anyway. Your turn. Let me know what you think. Should Atlanta get a third chance to host a hockey team? Bonus points if you come up with an appropriate squad name.
Song of the Week: ‘The Border,’ Willie Nelson
It’s Willie Nelson singing about the border above a slithering, sinister beat. Come on. It’s a dusty little gem, something a novel my buddy J. Todd Scott would write. Dive in:
I come home to Maria
In a bulletproof vest
With the weight of the whole wide world
Bearing down on my chest
It’s just a border I guess
“The Border” is the latest entry on the ever-growing Flashlight & A Biscuit playlist on Spotify; take it all in right here:
Stunt Food of the Week: The 4th Street Skewer
Here’s a beast from Vikings territory from a few years back, The 4th Street Skewer. It’s a deep-fried pork belly skewer with mashed potatoes, chipotle pepper, cheddar cheese and bacon. Like Minnesota in January, it’ll fill you with hope before it knocks you to the floor! (Sorry, Vikings fans.) Skol!
As always, hit me with your stunt food findings in the comments or with this handy message button:
And that’s all for this week, friends. Hope your brackets aren’t too busted. See you next week for some eclipse talk!
—Jay
Land Cat, Georgia
This is issue #117 of Flashlight & A Biscuit. Check out all the past issues right here. Feel free to email me with your thoughts, tips and advice. If you’re new around here, jump right to our most-read stories, or check out some of our recent hits:
Our first documentary, on the famous Rama Jama’s diner in Tuscaloosa, Alabama:
The Black Crowes and the groove vs. the rut
All hail the Luther Burger
“Until I see God or the checkered flag”: The greatest NASCAR quote of the decade
A requiem for one of the truly great chroniclers of Florida Man
What does “Flashlight & A Biscuit” mean, anyway?
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If we’re going to name the Athens hockey team after a well-known local band, the Athens Birthday Party Cheesecake Jellybean Boom has a certain ring to it.